Mourning

One year ago today, a very close friend of mine passed away. I still don't feel as if he is gone. I'm wondering if I ever will. I hope and pray he is up in Heaven, though I still miss him dearly. I still have not had the guts to visit his grave... I was going to do that today, but it didn't work out. How does one acquire a sense of closure? I went to the viewing and his funeral... but it didn't seem entirely real. I feel like I haven't let it all out yet. I sobbed at his funeral and have cried several times since then... however, I still feel like I have been holding something back. Even when I cried at his funeral, something in me suppressed some of the emotion. Until I completely let go of him... I will not be OK. It is something that has to happen, but when? I still can't believe it's been an entire year without him around... it seems like just yesterday I was in Traverse City with him on our camping trip... or tubing down a snow hill.... or laughing until our sides hurt at a friend's house... how can he be gone? My mind doesn't want to comprehend this. My mind won't allow me to comprehend this. I know Aaron would want life to go on and for us not to be sad... but I can't help it. I miss him so much.