The Anniversary

It has been 3 years. Three years ago... my good friend, Aaron passed away. It seems just as surreal now as it did the day I found out. I remember, It was abound 9 a.m. when I heard the news. I was sitting at work on the fourth floor of the library in the business services office. It was a Friday. I was sitting there waiting for the weekend to come... and to hear if my dear friend was still alive. When I heard the news, I could do little to hold back the tears. I knew it was unprofessional... but it was not humanly possible to stop the flow of emotion. My friend whom I loved dearly... and had shared so much with for the past 6 or 7 years of my life was now gone. The "boy" who had just recently been camping with his friends like any other recent high school graduate... was no longer with us on earth. His short 19 years were over. It didn't feel real. I wanted to yell at God for taking him from us... but I knew he was in a better place. I wanted to be selfish and beg for him to be given back. He was too young. He shouldn't have went like this. The pain... oh the pain. There are some things I will never forget about his last days here. Some of these things I would love to remove from my memory... the shrill sound coming from the ICU... which was unmistakably him... a sound that will stick with me for the rest of my life. But, praise God for the joyous memories. Praise God for all the good that I can hold on to. The impact he had on my life... I don't think I can put into words. He was one who truly loved God and let his faith lead him in life. I don't know if he ever knew how much he meant to me.

My dearest friend, I miss you now more than ever. I praise God for allowing me the privilege to have known you for the time I did. You blessed my life in so many ways. I am having a difficult time letting go... I don't know if I have the strength. Attending your funeral was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I pray that God gives me the courage I need to let you go. I love you.

So much happening...

I just got back from a wonderful time camping this weekend. It was so nice to just get away, relax and not be on any kind of schedule.

However... now that I am home... I keep thinking about the last few years and other previous camping trips. One in particular was in July of 2006. I had the privilege of going with a few of my closest friends - one of them being Aaron. I will never forget that trip. It was the last time I got to see him as I want to remember him. He was joyful, spirited and fully living his life without hospitals, chemo... and seemed to be pain-free, if only for that one weekend.

I just came to the realization that I have not had the guts to visit his grave yet. It's almost like complete confirmation that he is gone. It has been nearly three years and I still find it difficult to accept that he is no longer here. I think of him often... I pray for him.... I hope that I will find the strength to visit his grave... it is something that I need to do... truly... I need to do it.

I leave for D.C. in a little over a week.... wow. I prayed about this internship, I hoped for it... and now it is almost here. I am getting very excited as it draws near. I feel like this will give me a tremendous opportunity to see if this is truly the direction God is sending me to work. I hope it is.... hopefully doors will open and job opportunities will arise and God will guide my decision. Praise God for such incredible opportunities.... God is good.

Mourning

One year ago today, a very close friend of mine passed away. I still don't feel as if he is gone. I'm wondering if I ever will. I hope and pray he is up in Heaven, though I still miss him dearly. I still have not had the guts to visit his grave... I was going to do that today, but it didn't work out. How does one acquire a sense of closure? I went to the viewing and his funeral... but it didn't seem entirely real. I feel like I haven't let it all out yet. I sobbed at his funeral and have cried several times since then... however, I still feel like I have been holding something back. Even when I cried at his funeral, something in me suppressed some of the emotion. Until I completely let go of him... I will not be OK. It is something that has to happen, but when? I still can't believe it's been an entire year without him around... it seems like just yesterday I was in Traverse City with him on our camping trip... or tubing down a snow hill.... or laughing until our sides hurt at a friend's house... how can he be gone? My mind doesn't want to comprehend this. My mind won't allow me to comprehend this. I know Aaron would want life to go on and for us not to be sad... but I can't help it. I miss him so much.