Life Changes

The last time I wrote in this blog was a little too long ago. I hope I can keep up a little better from here on out.

Again, I just have to say... God is SO good. I have gone through plenty of ups and downs over these many months. I have grown in my faith thanks to trials and blessings.

I continue to go in circles of wanting to know God's will for my life and then praising Him to no end for not revealing it to me too soon. I can't count the number of times I have looked back and nothing but the word "wow" can emerge from my mouth.

I really wonder what God is thinking sometimes. His ways will always be a mystery to me, His plans always falling into place so perfectly. You would think that after so many times of having the (seemingly) impossible things work out, I would just completely trust that He will take care of me. But, there goes human weakness. Isn't it funny how one of the major "human weaknesses" is to try and be too strong? I know that is an overwhelming weakness of mine.

I recently heard someone say, "Did God ever tell anyone in the Bible or elsewhere in history to go do something that is 100% fool-proof with merely their own abilities?" Absolutely not. God is famous for asking the impossible, which encourages us to trust in HIM and rely on His strength, not our own.

Whenever I look ahead in life and try to figure it out... it's like I'm looking through a pinhole while God has the birds eye view with instant zoom. There's no competing with that.

With only about 11 days until my patron saint, St. Therese of Lisieux's feast day - I am reminded of her little way. She has undoubtedly helped me throughout my life in countless ways. She has taught me so many things about our Lord and how to love. I'm going to do my best to stop trying to figure out God's will all the time and just trust that He DOES know what He's doing.

God's Providence

I can't sleep, so I figured that I might as well write down what's running through my head.

I am in complete awe of God's loving mercy and incredible grace. I have had some of the biggest challenges of my life in the last 6 months. Yet, I still know that I am profoundly blessed by God's grace. Even through the struggles and the hardships - God has revealed His glory and brilliance.

I have always believed that the devil attacks those who strive to do God's work. The devil especially attacks those who are in close communion with God. I have always believed this to be true. However, after being exposed to the devil's attacks... I KNOW this to be true. I did believe before, but it has become SO real.

Ever since I began my new job, there have been ups and downs all throughout. I know that successes and failures will come and go all the time; but, knowing something doesn't always prepare you for living through it. I found myself allowng the rollercoaster of successes and failures to determine my emotional state. This is not healthy. So, lately, I have tried my best to detach myself from those works and keep in mind that I have been called here to do God's work to the best of my ability, and delight in that work, no matter what the outcome. This is quite a challenge, but worth the effort.

Amidst attempting to keep myself detached from particular outcomes - I am also trying to detach myself from being discouraged by major roadblocks along the way; and working to discover the positive side of these things.

Most recently - I have had relentless issues with my car. It's funny because, every time, I think to myself... oh wow, it definitely could be worse. I just hope and pray that if I keep saying this - it doesn't continue to get worse, haha. It started with my breaks rusting out in a parking lot and basically exploding break fluid all over the place. I had to get it towed and all that fixed. But, praise God it happened when (and where) it did - because I was headed on a 12 hour trip in just a few days. Next, my car gets backed into by another person. THANKFULLY, no severe damage was done, just a dented bumper. I may still look into getting it fixed. However, just today... my tire went flat. I knew I needed to get new tires and was planning to get them looked at soon - but apparently they really couldn't wait one more day. (The latest I was going to have them checked out was going to be Monday.) Once again, praise God it happened when (and where) it did. I was on my way to a (nearby) discussion group. Thanks be to God that my friends were able to help me out and this did not occur on my 4-5 hour trek back from Kansas City. My guardian angel certainly has a rough job and is doing it very well.

After all this (and more), I have learned so much. I have learned about myself, how I deal with things -- and more importantly, how I can better deal with things. If anything, all these transitions in my life are allowing me the opportunity to better myself. I'm discovering new ways to cope through the trials of life and methods to help enrich the opportunities laid before me. I have discovered that it is better to embrace the suffering granted to me instead of despairing in it. I have taken this time to better develop my spiritual, social, physical and emotional aspects of life. I'm on different levels with each one, of course; but am granted the opportunity to grow in each area. I am very blessed and for that I am thankful. Praise be to God.

God's Ever-Astounding Plan

God never fails to baffle me with his magnificent plan for my life. I can confidently admit that even the most difficult and trying times of the last few months have fallen into place with God's carefully articulated plan. As I go through all the struggles I have endured, I realize why each challenge was necessary and sit in amazement.

I think I can start with my very first few weeks in Chicago. My path to attain a Chicago Plus Card was one of the most grueling processes ever... I felt like I was being put to the ultimate test of patience. I won't bore you with all the details. Let's just say that after 2 weeks of having my card first stolen, failure to send a replacement, poor customer service, and delay upon delay -- I had finally become the owner of a Chicago Plus Card. Oh joy and joyness.

What I failed to even contemplate is that it was possible that something good was to come out of this experience. Thanks to the 2-week delay, I did in fact save money; as I am about to start a new job in 3 weeks, my monthly pass will end right on time. Praise God.

The second, seemingly never-ending, challenge I was faced with was finding somewhere to live after the end of my current sublease. This has a whole slew of problems and struggles attached. I first tried finding a full lease with a roommate -- that failed for several reasons and was the most trying of the struggles due to these issues that I won't go into. I then tried finding another sublease but was incredibly hesitant to sign any of the ones I found -- for reasons I later discovered...

This lesson was even more important than the first. I learned that God allowed me to go through these weeks of stress and some tears to discover what I needed to do. TRUST HIM. I thought I was trusting what God wanted me to do, but no, I had barely begun. Once I said I give up on forcing my plan into God's plan, everything fell together. If you have you ever heard the quote, "Want to make God laugh? Tell Him your plans," then you understand how I am feeling now. It is also incredibly true that hindsight is 20/20. When you look back on what has happened, you begin to understand why. It may never be crystal clear, but it usually makes more sense than it did at the time. Another aspect of this particular lesson was learning what to look for and what not to look for in an apartment in a big city. This lesson is so incredibly valuable... as I move to another big city and find a place to live in a mere 3 weeks!

Life has become a fast-paced roller-coaster; but, I'm ready with God's grace as my seatbelt securing me for the ride.

God's Timing

It's truly incredible when you think about it. Sometimes it is difficult to have faith that everything will work out. But, if you open your heart to listen... God WILL speak to you.

I have had a significant amount of free time these past few days. It has given me time to relax, take pleasure in reading, watching movies, playing games and praying. Prayer is something that has become so central in my life. Ever since I started focusing more on prayer life, things really began to fall together... and at those times when I need it the most-- God brings me back and gives me the nourishment my spirit was thirsting for.

Today was a great example of this. I was praying evening prayer, and the reading could not have been more appropriate for me to hear at this point in my life. It is as follows:

Colossians 1:9b-11
"May you attain full knowledge of God's will through perfect wisdom and spiritual insight. Then you will lead a life worthy of the Lord and pleasing to him in every way. You will multiply good works of every sort and grow in the knowledge of God. By the might of his glory you will be endowed with the strength needed to stand fast, even to endure joyfully whatever may come."

God is AMAZING, isn't He?! I have just graduated from college, have moved to a new city and am about to start a new job... what better time than NOW to hear this passage?! God has given me SO much reassurance right when it is most needed. Any question or doubt that I am on the right path has been tossed out the window. I feel like my spiritual armor is on and I am ready to go out and fight the good fight. Ready or not, here I come!

Life, Love and Acceptance

It seems that when big things happen in my life, I am sure to become reflective. I begin to wonder how some of these things came to happen in my life and what could possibly come next.

My life has always been a series of roller-coasters. Some are fun and some make me throw up in the end. But, they all have varieties of twists, turns, loops and most have a very specific end. Some, however, take you in circles with (seemingly) no end in sight.

So many times in my life, I have been ungrateful for the blessings that have been bestowed on me. These times incur most often when I am blind to what I have been blessed with. It certainly seems to be an easy trap to fall into.

In the past several years of my life, I have learned what the concept of true love could be; though not in the sense that most people take it. I have endured the loss of a loved one. I have had my faith tried in trust, understanding and hope. I have given up on things that... I always thought I could accomplish.

However...

Through these trials and failures, I have learned a great deal. When I despaired, God gave me a reason to regain hope. When I became impatient for one thing, God surprised me with an even better plan than the first. When I thought trust was lost, truth brought about justice.

I realize that much of this is abstract. It is difficult to narrow down how God has worked in my life. The best way I can describe my experience is to sum it up with these words: my journey through life has, thus far, given me a chance to acquire the patience necessary to recognize God's loving will, and embrace it with a trusting acceptance that reaches beyond anything I could have imagined.

Latarae Sunday Reflections

Fr. Will gave an excellent homily at Mass today. He spoke about how we need to live our lives in such a way that allows God to reach beyond the surface. This needs to be reflected in how we relate to others.

I find this idea to be relevant to most everyone in this day and age. So many of us get caught up in surface-level communication... not allowing anyone to relate on a deeper level- because we realize subconsciously that it is safer. I know that I am definitely guilty of this. I put up walls and keep many people at a distance so as to keep from any kind of emotional pain. What is even more upsetting, is that this is also seeping into my relationship with God. I keep Him at a safe distance... close enough to feel like I'm relating with Him, yet far enough away to not let Him truly reach my heart. This is a difficult realization that I have come to... however, it seems that Lent is a perfect opportunity to remedy this problem.

I am going to take this Lent to help open my heart to deeper relationships with God and those around me. Fr. Will mentioned that modern technology has contributed to this issue- and it's so true. The ability to instant message, text message or use surface-level technology to "build relationships" with others is deceiving what we know to be an ordinary friendship. This is not to say that modern technology is intrinsically bad/evil by any means. This is merely to point out that we have allowed it to replace a lot of necessary person-to-person interaction that is needed for a solid relationship. It is more convenient and therefore a more common method of maintaining a relationship with another. It has also hindered our interactions with one-another when we are in-person. Conversations often fail to reach a deeper level and stay at the surface. It seems rare to have deep and meaningful conversations- reaching at Truth, truly getting to know someone, or revealing much of anything about a person. This doesn't apply to everyone of course, but it is definitely something to think about and consider.

Meaning Behind the Song

This has happened before. I had a song stuck in my head and no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't get it out. Last time it was The Frey's "You Found Me." It made sense at the time why after I thought about it. Sometimes words and/or songs stick in your head for a reason.

The song that I currently cannot seem to get out of my head is Kris Allen's "Live Like We're Dying." This song is catchy and has a good message. The lyrics are as follows:

Kris Allen - Live Like We’re Dying Lyrics

Sometimes we fall down and can’t get back up
We’re hiding behind skin that’s too tough
How come we don’t say I love you enough
Till it’s to late, it’s not too late

Our hearts are hungry for a food that won’t come
We could make a feast from these crumbs
And we’re all staring down the barrel of a gun
So if your life flashed before you
What would you wish you would’ve done

Yeah… gotta start
Lookin at the hand of the time we’ve been given here
This is all we got and we gotta start pickin it
Every second counts on a clock that’s tickin’
Gotta live like we’re dying

We only got
86 400 seconds in a day to
Turn it all around or throw it all away
We gotta tell ‘em that we love ‘em
While we got the chance to say
Gotta live like we’re dying

And if your plane fell out of the skies
Who would you call with your last goodbyes
Should be so careful who we live out our lives
So when we long for absolution
There’ll no one on the line

Yeah… gotta start
Lookin at the hand of the time we’ve been given here
This is all we got and we gotta start pickin it
Every second counts on a clock that’s tickin’
Gotta live like we’re dying

We only got
86 400 seconds in a day to
Turn it all around or throw it all away
We gotta tell ‘em that we love ‘em
While we got the chance to say
Gotta live like we’re dying

Like we’re dying oh - like we’re dying [x2]

We only got
86 400 seconds in a day to
Turn it all around or throw it all away
We gotta tell ‘em that we love ‘em
While we got the chance to say
Gotta live - like we’re dying

We never know a good thing till it’s gone
You never see a crash until it’s head on
All those people right when we’re dead wrong
You never know a good thing till it’s gone

Yeah… gotta start
Lookin at the hand of the time we’ve been given here
This is all we got and we gotta start livin it
Every second counts on a clock that’s tickin’
Gotta live like we’re dying

We only got
86 400 seconds in a day to
Turn it all around or throw it all away
We gotta tell ‘em that we love ‘em
While we got the chance to say
Gotta live like we’re dying

Like we’re dying oh - like we’re dying [x2]

We only got
86 400 seconds in a day to
Turn it all around or throw it all away
We gotta tell ‘em that we love ‘em
While we got the chance to say
Gotta live like we’re dying
Live like we’re dying

This song contains a lot of truth. We need to make sure to tell those you care for that you love them. Show them that you truly do care. How else can the knowledge be made known? Give life a chance... you have to take some risks. Yes, mistakes will be made - but that is how you learn. Don't let life pass you by. However, at the same time - don't be naïve... some risks are worth taking and some are not. Learn to judge the difference. Don't let past mistakes come between you and making amends. Time on earth is short, make it count and push yourself to be the best version of yourself. Don't limit what you can do, don't compare yourself thinking you can never be as good a person as so-and-so. Give yourself some credit and make steps to better yourself.... and guess what? We are in the perfect season for that. LENT! Take this Lent to pray and ask God how to become the person He wants you to be. It is never too late. Start now. Make it a good Lent. Think of what Jesus did for each one of us. He gave His life for the betterment of mankind. Can you not offer even a fraction of that? Devote even 10 minutes a day to improve your relationship with God. He will take whatever you have to offer. HE loves you and is not afraid to tell you. Let Him.

Ever-changing Life

Some days I get thinking about my future and one of two things happen. Either I get really excited about the countless possibilities OR I get scared out of my mind over the unknown that lies ahead. But, through this... I've discovered - the fear I sometimes feel - only brings me to question the decisions I am making now, working to make a difference every step of the way. I more carefully analyze where my life is headed and what I am doing to make things happen. How is my relationship with God strengthening my future? AND more importantly... how is what I am doing now strengthening my relationship with God? These are two questions that cause a great deal of consideration and thought.

With Lent quickly approaching... I see it as another incredible opportunity to grow in my life and relationship with God. Sacrificing something for Lent should not be as basic as it sounds. The point of giving something up is to bring you closer in your walk with God.... a way to develop your relationship and come to a better understanding of His Passion where He gave His life for us. I am carefully considering what way would best help me accomplish this. Lent has always been one of my favorite times of the year. It has always been a time of great reflection and spiritual growth. I pray that this Lent may be just as fruitful and thought-provoking as in the past.

God's love is overwhelming - a relationship is a bit of give and take... so, let God take hold of your heart as He gives you His.

Reflections

I went to Theology on Tap today in Remus... which got me thinking about a lot of things that I seem to have been avoiding lately.

The speaker said some great things about what it is that God asks of us and how so many of the challenges we face lead us into what is only meant for us to do and nobody else. This made me think about so many of the challenges I've been faced with recently and how I've been handling them. I need to accept what is put before me as a gift, even if the task is difficult or involves suffering... I am the only person having this very experience. Every moment that I live - nobody else is given a moment like it. Every person's life is such a unique gift from God and even though it is exceedingly difficult to contemplate... nobody gets to experience the same thing.

Every challenge, every obstacle.... is an opportunity for you to grow closer to God. Just think of how much progress one could make with this attitude. I know that my life would be a heck of a lot easier if I could hold this as my own personal outlook on life. It's far easier said than done of course... like so many other things in life.

Some of the biggest challenges include taking a step forward - away from past failures and pains. I know that I often hang on to the past. It can be a good thing sometimes... but it usually is not. I only hope that I can move forward and keep the past in the past. I know I have a lot to look forward to in the future, but sometimes that vision gets clouded with the stress of the present. It's funny I say that now... being on winter break. I should be able to see clearly and be optimistic, but it seems that there are still things stopping me. I don't know if it's a subconscious pang or what... but, it's still just not that easy to think positively about many things in the future. There's so much crap in this world and it's hard to sift through it to get to where optimism can exist.

Thankfully, after this talk, it has given me a chance to be grateful and stop whining about annoyances. I am thankful for the opportunity to grow in love with God and move on from the everyday problems to new beginnings and a hopeful outlook.

The Anniversary

It has been 3 years. Three years ago... my good friend, Aaron passed away. It seems just as surreal now as it did the day I found out. I remember, It was abound 9 a.m. when I heard the news. I was sitting at work on the fourth floor of the library in the business services office. It was a Friday. I was sitting there waiting for the weekend to come... and to hear if my dear friend was still alive. When I heard the news, I could do little to hold back the tears. I knew it was unprofessional... but it was not humanly possible to stop the flow of emotion. My friend whom I loved dearly... and had shared so much with for the past 6 or 7 years of my life was now gone. The "boy" who had just recently been camping with his friends like any other recent high school graduate... was no longer with us on earth. His short 19 years were over. It didn't feel real. I wanted to yell at God for taking him from us... but I knew he was in a better place. I wanted to be selfish and beg for him to be given back. He was too young. He shouldn't have went like this. The pain... oh the pain. There are some things I will never forget about his last days here. Some of these things I would love to remove from my memory... the shrill sound coming from the ICU... which was unmistakably him... a sound that will stick with me for the rest of my life. But, praise God for the joyous memories. Praise God for all the good that I can hold on to. The impact he had on my life... I don't think I can put into words. He was one who truly loved God and let his faith lead him in life. I don't know if he ever knew how much he meant to me.

My dearest friend, I miss you now more than ever. I praise God for allowing me the privilege to have known you for the time I did. You blessed my life in so many ways. I am having a difficult time letting go... I don't know if I have the strength. Attending your funeral was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I pray that God gives me the courage I need to let you go. I love you.

Life progresses

Hi All,

Things in my life have definitely proceeded on the fast track. It's already coming up on the fourth week of the fall semester. The remainder of my time in D.C. was more than I could have ever imagined. I still stand by the fact that it was one of the most incredible experiences of my life. I learned more about myself and my (hopeful) future than I ever thought I would.

It's so great how God makes His presence known in a person's life. He sees you mess up, or even do something right and gives you further direction. This summer is certainly proof to me that a lot of what I'm doing is working in good conscience with God's plan.

My goals have turned from "What will benefit me?" to "What would God like me to do?" My prayer has become more focused and my life is taking steps to being more God-centered. It seems to take more effort than expected. However, aren't all good things worth fighting for? Life is full of surprises and I can't wait to see what's next.

God bless,
Sheri

So much happening...

I just got back from a wonderful time camping this weekend. It was so nice to just get away, relax and not be on any kind of schedule.

However... now that I am home... I keep thinking about the last few years and other previous camping trips. One in particular was in July of 2006. I had the privilege of going with a few of my closest friends - one of them being Aaron. I will never forget that trip. It was the last time I got to see him as I want to remember him. He was joyful, spirited and fully living his life without hospitals, chemo... and seemed to be pain-free, if only for that one weekend.

I just came to the realization that I have not had the guts to visit his grave yet. It's almost like complete confirmation that he is gone. It has been nearly three years and I still find it difficult to accept that he is no longer here. I think of him often... I pray for him.... I hope that I will find the strength to visit his grave... it is something that I need to do... truly... I need to do it.

I leave for D.C. in a little over a week.... wow. I prayed about this internship, I hoped for it... and now it is almost here. I am getting very excited as it draws near. I feel like this will give me a tremendous opportunity to see if this is truly the direction God is sending me to work. I hope it is.... hopefully doors will open and job opportunities will arise and God will guide my decision. Praise God for such incredible opportunities.... God is good.

Spiritual Drought

There are times when I find no matter how hard I try, I keep falling. My focus is blurred and priorities have faded. The point is mute and locating a path becomes more difficult than it's worth.

I want to find my way back. Back to the relationship that meant so much. I want to be tested. I want to know that my efforts are worth something. Life keeps tossing obstacle after obstacle my way and instead of them making me stronger, they lead me astray. This challenge has become a mountain I am too weak to climb. Who knows where God is leading me. All I know is if I don't make a motion to change, I won't like where I end up.

I don't know how long it's been, but I feel like I'm just drifting. Some days I feel like I'm just there. I'm just existing to exist. I haven't pushed for more. I haven't worked to better myself. I'm tired of the apathetic feeling.

I know there are dry spells in everyone's faith journey. I suppose this must be mine.

I need a renewed hope. I need a spiritual jump start. Clearly what I have been doing has not worked. I have failed in many ways to be there for those who need it. I became preoccupied with my own problems and gave up opportunity to help others. I want this to change. I have not been myself. I have thwarted opportunities to make a real difference. This IS going to change.

I don't want to show anything but a genuine smile. To speak philosophically, I want to achieve Aristotelian happiness. In all honesty, it is a sort of "achievement" to reach that point. Thankfully, with Christ all things are possible. (So to summarize Philippians 4:13... my favorite verse.)

Jumping back on the horse

I haven't blogged in an extremely long time. So, here we are again.

It is Advent and I am loving every minute. In past years I seemed to look to Christmas more so than pay attention when I am IN the season of Advent. Advent is a very special time in the Church year. It is the beginning, a fresh start. It truly is the month of Mary. A celebration of her "YES." I feel that after engulfing myself in practices that I only touched the surface of previously, Advent has so much more meaning. I am participating in what's called 'Advent Angels' or 'Spiritual Secret Santa.' (Nice alliteration there...) Through this practice, I have paid far more attention to making prayer a part of my daily life. I tried before, but I cannot say that I really focused EVERY SINGLE DAY with some kind of prayer. I am also taking part in using an Advent Wreath. It seems to be such a simple concept - but, really, it has helped me so much. I just love the symbolism of so many things in the Catholic Church. We are now almost to the 3rd week of Advent... and Gaudete Sunday!

My last exam is at 10 a.m. Thursday. I will have more time to write over break. Maybe I'll even pull out some poetry, who knows. I haven't written in a while, so, bear with me!

Happy Advent!

Mourning

One year ago today, a very close friend of mine passed away. I still don't feel as if he is gone. I'm wondering if I ever will. I hope and pray he is up in Heaven, though I still miss him dearly. I still have not had the guts to visit his grave... I was going to do that today, but it didn't work out. How does one acquire a sense of closure? I went to the viewing and his funeral... but it didn't seem entirely real. I feel like I haven't let it all out yet. I sobbed at his funeral and have cried several times since then... however, I still feel like I have been holding something back. Even when I cried at his funeral, something in me suppressed some of the emotion. Until I completely let go of him... I will not be OK. It is something that has to happen, but when? I still can't believe it's been an entire year without him around... it seems like just yesterday I was in Traverse City with him on our camping trip... or tubing down a snow hill.... or laughing until our sides hurt at a friend's house... how can he be gone? My mind doesn't want to comprehend this. My mind won't allow me to comprehend this. I know Aaron would want life to go on and for us not to be sad... but I can't help it. I miss him so much.