Spiritual Drought

There are times when I find no matter how hard I try, I keep falling. My focus is blurred and priorities have faded. The point is mute and locating a path becomes more difficult than it's worth.

I want to find my way back. Back to the relationship that meant so much. I want to be tested. I want to know that my efforts are worth something. Life keeps tossing obstacle after obstacle my way and instead of them making me stronger, they lead me astray. This challenge has become a mountain I am too weak to climb. Who knows where God is leading me. All I know is if I don't make a motion to change, I won't like where I end up.

I don't know how long it's been, but I feel like I'm just drifting. Some days I feel like I'm just there. I'm just existing to exist. I haven't pushed for more. I haven't worked to better myself. I'm tired of the apathetic feeling.

I know there are dry spells in everyone's faith journey. I suppose this must be mine.

I need a renewed hope. I need a spiritual jump start. Clearly what I have been doing has not worked. I have failed in many ways to be there for those who need it. I became preoccupied with my own problems and gave up opportunity to help others. I want this to change. I have not been myself. I have thwarted opportunities to make a real difference. This IS going to change.

I don't want to show anything but a genuine smile. To speak philosophically, I want to achieve Aristotelian happiness. In all honesty, it is a sort of "achievement" to reach that point. Thankfully, with Christ all things are possible. (So to summarize Philippians 4:13... my favorite verse.)

Jumping back on the horse

I haven't blogged in an extremely long time. So, here we are again.

It is Advent and I am loving every minute. In past years I seemed to look to Christmas more so than pay attention when I am IN the season of Advent. Advent is a very special time in the Church year. It is the beginning, a fresh start. It truly is the month of Mary. A celebration of her "YES." I feel that after engulfing myself in practices that I only touched the surface of previously, Advent has so much more meaning. I am participating in what's called 'Advent Angels' or 'Spiritual Secret Santa.' (Nice alliteration there...) Through this practice, I have paid far more attention to making prayer a part of my daily life. I tried before, but I cannot say that I really focused EVERY SINGLE DAY with some kind of prayer. I am also taking part in using an Advent Wreath. It seems to be such a simple concept - but, really, it has helped me so much. I just love the symbolism of so many things in the Catholic Church. We are now almost to the 3rd week of Advent... and Gaudete Sunday!

My last exam is at 10 a.m. Thursday. I will have more time to write over break. Maybe I'll even pull out some poetry, who knows. I haven't written in a while, so, bear with me!

Happy Advent!

Mourning

One year ago today, a very close friend of mine passed away. I still don't feel as if he is gone. I'm wondering if I ever will. I hope and pray he is up in Heaven, though I still miss him dearly. I still have not had the guts to visit his grave... I was going to do that today, but it didn't work out. How does one acquire a sense of closure? I went to the viewing and his funeral... but it didn't seem entirely real. I feel like I haven't let it all out yet. I sobbed at his funeral and have cried several times since then... however, I still feel like I have been holding something back. Even when I cried at his funeral, something in me suppressed some of the emotion. Until I completely let go of him... I will not be OK. It is something that has to happen, but when? I still can't believe it's been an entire year without him around... it seems like just yesterday I was in Traverse City with him on our camping trip... or tubing down a snow hill.... or laughing until our sides hurt at a friend's house... how can he be gone? My mind doesn't want to comprehend this. My mind won't allow me to comprehend this. I know Aaron would want life to go on and for us not to be sad... but I can't help it. I miss him so much.

Chalk for Life!

It's Respect Life month and Students for Life of CMU are making sure that everyone is aware. On Sunday, October 21, 25 students chalked 4,000 hearts around Central Michigan's campus. These hearts represent the 4,000 lives lost every day in the United States alone from abortion. The main goal of chalking is to create greater awareness and provoke thought regarding abortion. Among the hearts were quotes and statistics. Some examples include:

"Any country that accepts abortion is the poorest of the poor" – Mother Theresa

"It is a poverty to decide that a child must die so that you live as you wish" – Mother Theresa

"Everyone who supported slavery was free. Everyone who supports abortion was born. That's how oppression works." – Anonymous

“If you can read this your weren’t aborted. Call your Mom today and thank her!” - Anonymous

“A person’s a person no matter how small.” – Dr. Seuss

Oh yeah... I do have a blog

So, I've realized that I pretty much forgot I had this blog. Only until recently when Jeremy created a blog on this site for the pilgrims from CMU going to WYD 2008.... of which I'm EXTREMELY excited for! God has been so good to me. He has brought some amazing people into my life that have helped me through some rough times. I feel like this past year at CMU has helped me tremendously in coming closer to God. I never knew how wonderful it could be to have such a personal relationship with the Lord. Now, a new step... a new beginning... and a brand new journey. Making the decision to go to Sydney for WYD was a big leap. But I took it... and there's no looking back. Praise God! :)

Happiness

I have discovered that the more I pray, the happier I become. My prayer life has gotten better, so in turn, my life has gotten better. God truly does listen. I wish I would have come to this realization a lot earlier. I am very happy right now... everything seems to be going in the right direction... towards God. I am living my life fully for Jesus and am working toward a better relationship with Him. Oh if I could only share this happiness I feel with more people... I pray that God will show me how to accomplish this.

Time for change

I've decided that there needs to be some changes in my life. It needs to be far more God centered. I need to focus on the Lord more than myself.... and I need to focus more on helping others than helping myself. BUT, the one thing I need to correct most in my life is to make stronger my relationship with my Lord, Jesus Christ. I have felt the times that I have drifted away and I adore the times I become closer. It's time for a change and that time is NOW.

Here we go again :)

Well, I've discovered that it has been an extremely long time since I have updated this blog. All the way back in October.... wow. Aaron has passed away. I still can't say anything other than passed away.... it's still not completely real. I miss him so much. He is in a better place and out of pain, but I still miss him. I'm beginning to wonder if I will ever completely realize that he is gone. Cancer is such a horrible thing. I don't understand it... why does it kill only a select number of people? Why was Aaron the one that had to go?

I will probably never understand God's ways. He has a plan that I wish I knew more about. I feel like some days I'm just there... no real goal in sight, just living to be alive. I feel like I have grown tremendously close to God in the past few months and expanded in my faith. I'm very intrigued to discover what God has in store for me. I want to know what is going to happen in my life, what the next step is that I should take. Where do I go from here? My main question that I would just like to throw out there into oblivion is this: What is my vocation???? I wish that God would reveal this to me more than anything. I shall dwell on this in prayer.

Good and Bad.....

There are good new happenings and bad new happenings... good have to do with school and bad have to do with people.

Good: I aced my Journalism quiz and did quite well on my Calc exam and Leadership exam.

Bad: Aaron is almost gone.

I don't know why this is so hard to accept. I have known for over a year that he would be gone soon. I don't think I ever realized what "gone" actually means. Gone.... as in, not alive anymore, not here on Earth, not with us, gone. The good of the bad is that Aaron will not be in pain anymore, he will be freed of suffering and anything bad in this natural life. He will be in Heaven where I yearn to be... if only... if only...

It's so odd... this feeling... I feel like I want to praise God for freeing Aaron of his torture and yet I am unbelievably sad. I know Aaron will be in a better place, but I will miss him so. Every time I think about it, a tear comes to my eye... I just wish that this whole waiting process would be over and Aaron would no longer be in pain and yet I don't want him gone. I'm sick of this mixture of feelings... I wish I didn't think about it so much.

Much love to you Aaron. ♥

Life at Central

The first several weeks here at Central have been interesting. Not all great, not all horrible, but for the most part, decent. I've gotten a chance to join a few different groups around campus, get to know countless different people and have a lot of fun. My classes are going okay... they could be better. I guess college is harder than high school after all. :) Anyway... I'm really loving dorm life, I feel so free and able to do whatever I want, when I want. It's kind of great. I went to a concert this weekend with Jeff, Jason and Mariah and that was pretty awesome. I've been introduced to such a variety of music since I've been here and I've really like a lot of it. I've been testing the staying up past 3am thing and well I don't think I'm going to continue doing that several nights in a row... doesn't work too well. Even if I do sleep in... it just feels weird and my schedule gets thrown off. But yeah, I've already been sick once... this past week... but thank goodness I'm finally over my cold! I still have a tiny cough and a sometimes runny nose but for the most part, I'm feeling a lot better. Well I'm still waiting on a response from someone... that is one thing that I absolutely despise about not talking to people in person... it takes FOREVER to hear back when you write a letter... and for a highly impatient person, that is not a good thing. Anyway.... that's about all I have for today, I may post another fun audioblog thing sometime soon... we'll see what happens.

Expectations have far been exceeded

College... my new home. I have already gained a few shreads of maturity from living away from home for two weeks. It sure is different, but great. I have had so much fun getting to know everyone, hanging out all the time, getting interesting classes and doing, pretty much whatever I want. It's a weird feeling... but I think I like it. Some things are more difficult, as expected, but for the most part, everything has been better than I thought. I think I'm really going to enjoy all of my classes, my professors seem really nice and the subjects seem interesting. My worries have pretty much disappeared and been replaced with glee. :-) I am home.... visiting... right now..... weird to say that. Visiting... not living... visiting. I think that's something I can get used to though. :-) Well I guess I better go spend some time with the family while I can, I'll write again soon!

It's official

I have packed my first few bags. I am officially nearly almost ready to move in. Yeah.... I'm super excited to move in, yet.... not quite ready. It seems as if this week could not possibly go any slower but at the same time, I kind of want it to.... in an odd sort of way. I guess I just am getting a little nervous about how my roommates and I are going to get along, I mean, when we talked on the phone and such we seemed to get along fine, but then again, that's not living together. Honestly, I think it will be fine, but I guess those thoughts are just in the back of my mind. I'm just so glad that I don't have to work at Kmart anymore, for a long time at least... I might possibly work on breaks and such, but that's about the extent of it. Kmart wasn't a horrible job, but it wasn't large amounts of fun either. Well, we're down to one day and a half before move-in... don't you ever wish you could just give time a shove?